30 weeks, 5 days – A gift for our son November 8, 2009

A couple of weeks ago I completed the process of creating a baby registry.  It was a strange, strange experience.  There was more research involved than I expected… but maybe I should have expected it.  There are lists all over the internet about the things that you absolutely must have for your baby – half of which is stuff you really don’t need.  I know it’s all about personal preference and what kind of life you want to have with your child.  We’re going for simple, especially since we have a small apartment.  Well, that and we think it’s important that our kid have a strong sense of the world beyond **stuff** but that’s a different blog post. 

Anyway, back to registering… there was one specific thing that I’ve known for a while that I wanted – a Lands End backpack style diaper bag.  A couple of times over the past couple of years the subject of diaper bags came up on the various adoption listservs I’m on.  Almost to a one, the discussions ended up with a majority of parents recommending this diaper bag.  The downside of registering at Babies R Us and Amazon is that they don’t link to Lands End.  So, I made the only decision I could – my first gift for our son was a diaper bag.  Really, it’s not quite as bad as Homer’s bowling ball gift but it is admittedly self-serving.  As you can see below it doesn’t look much like a diaper bag; it could pass for a backpack.  Maybe he can use it when he goes off to kindergarten and I’ll use it in the meantime?? 

29 weeks, 6 days – Baking a meatloaf November 2, 2009

On vacation in May we were talking with some friends about their son and they said, in passing, something about pushing out a meatloaf or baking a meatloaf.  An apt description of their 10+ pound monster-sized (and utterly adorable) baby.  Well, between Pete and I the term “meatloaf” has come to mean any large baby.  My brother and I were both encroching on 10 pounds when born, while Pete was a more normal 7-ish pounds.  When Pete and I talk about the size that Nathan will be upon entry into the world, we talk about him being a “little Pete” or a “meatloaf” (translation: average size baby or 9-10 pounder).

So why did all this come up today?  Well, I had my third – and probably final – ultrasound.  They hadn’t been able to visualize all three vessels in the umbilical cord in past ultrasounds so they kept sending me back.  Today, though, the cord was there and probably the easiest thing to see!  Of course, every time they do an ultrasound they do measurements too.  Today the little man was measuring pretty big.  The tech estimated that he is 3 pounds, 12 ounces – give or take 9 ounces.  (It can be hard to get an exact weight measurement the later you get in pregnancy.)  So, there’s a very real possibility that this kid is headed to meatloaf-ville.  Not sure how I feel about that…

In the meantime, though, here’s a look at the little guy:

For those of you a little uncertain, that’s his face in profile with a hand tucked up near his chin.  Stare at it a little while and you’ll be able to see it. 

29 weeks, 5 days – Upsetting the apple cart November 1, 2009

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what’s coming down the pike for us.  In May, when we found out we were pregnant, this time felt so far, far away… fall, the third trimester, the 30-something weeks of pregnancy… all of it.  Yet somehow, with what feels like just a blink, here we are.  The last couple of months I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the pregnancy process and the birth process.  While that continues, my sights are moving a little further toward the horizon, to the change that’s going to happen in my family.

I’m surprised to find myself thinking that I’m not afraid of the birth process.  Sure, it’s going to hurt but I’ll have plenty of tools to get through it and a good support system.  My fear right now is the part that comes after.  I keep thinking about it as upsetting the apple cart and then having to find a new equilibrium as a family.  I really, really enjoy my relationship with my husband as it is now.  Even after 5.5 years together and a year of marriage, I find him interesting to talk to.  I love spending time with him and would have thought that this would have faded a little over the years.  A baby means, though, that my attention is going to be turned elsewhere… a LOT.  Those of you who are experienced parents know in a way that I don’t the joy of falling in love with your child.  My head knows it’ll be there but my heart just doesn’t quite understand how complete and deep that feeling will be.  It does know, however, how fully and deeply I love my husband. 

It may sound strange, but I think at this point I’m having some anticipatory grief about the change in our relationship.  The time and energy we have to devote to each other will change by necessity (and due to sleep deprivation!).  I also have heard from many people that their marriage changed and deepened as they became parents together.  I know that this can, and probably will, happen.  But from here – the not-quite-parents-yet side of first time parenthood – I’ve been thinking a lot about the feeling that I don’t want to lose the time that I cherish so much with my husband.  Like so many of the other fears I’ve had in this process, though, I know that this too shall pass…

29 weeks, 1 day – Doula October 28, 2009

I’m happy to say that we’ve selected our doula.  We’re going with the woman, Ellen, who was recommended to us by our friends.  Apparently, she’s the uber-doula of the greater Philly area, having trained or supported several of the other doulas that we talked with.  She also spent a decade or so as a labor & delivery nurse before switching to being a doula.  The most important thing, though, is the grandma vibe she gives off.  You know the one… warm, cozy, comfy, supportive, and a teeny bit of pushiness around the edges.  Just right for comforting me during labor and pushing me to remember that I really CAN do this.  She also clicked with Pete, which is huge, because she’s going to have to support him too.  Yep, that’s right – he’s going to have to be there for the whooooooole thing.  No getting off the hook for him! <evil laugh>

Anyway, it was an interesting process of interviewing women.  I talked with about 8 women on the phone and we interviewed 4.  They were all pretty different from each other.  I can see, though, why they recommend having the interview.  The person with which I had the most in common (Quakerism, Maine connection, Boston connection, etc.) turned out not to be a good fit for me.  Not because she’s not a nice person but because it just wasn’t the right match of personalities.  I have a feeling that we may need someone with a strong personality at some point during the labor process and I think we found it in Ellen.

Now, on to selecting a pediatrician and a day care provider… dang!  And I thought all the work came after the kid was here!!

28 weeks, 5 days – Nothing much October 25, 2009

Not a whole lot that’s reflective or insightful to post today so I thought I’d just update you on the logistics.  Friday I went to the midwife and had the gestational diabetes blood test.  Waiting for the results now.  She did a quick exam and found that all’s well.  My belly’s measuring where it should be and his heart rate was between 130 and 140 – right where it should be.  He’s positioned head down with his back running up my right side, more or less.  We’re moving into more frequent visits so I’ll be seeing the midwives about every 2 weeks now.  I got a prescription for one more ultrasound so they can try to visualize the elusive three vessels of the umbilical cord.  They haven’t been able to do that the last two times.  Honestly, I’m not that worried about it because he seems to be growing normally.  However, I do like getting the updated ultrasound photos so I’m happy to go.

We have our last doula interview today.  After that we’ll make our final decision.  It’ll feel good to have that settled so that we can move on to finding a daycare, selecting a pediatrician, and setting up a time to tour the hospital.  In the midst of all the decisions/details, I’m still learning about natural childbirth and trying to get in the right frame of mind for it.

28 weeks, 1 day – Pregnancy stole my brain October 21, 2009

I’d heard the term “mommy brain” before but I assumed that it was solely dedicated to that sleep-deprived time after the child is home when parents are fumbling their way towards figuring out how to parent, eat, and bathe on a regular – daily even! – basis.  It never occurred to me that this actual begins BEFORE the baby is born.  I’ve been feeling lately like this baby is stealing my brain.  Where before I was psychologically nimble, moving from one task to the other easily, multitasking efficiently now I’m feeling just, well, sluggish.  It takes a lot more focus for me to be effective at work and I’m significantly more dependent on post-it notes than I was before.  And coordinate things at home?  Ha!  I’m lucky if I remember everything I meant to do in a day… and do half of it. 

Take today for example.  I went grocery shopping after work.  This has become my Monday routine but, since I was sick that day, I went on Wednesday instead.  I realized on my second lap around the store that there is a new part of my routine – the second lap around the store!  Even though I go well prepared with list in hand, I always, always have to go back for a second time round to pick up the things I forgot… off the written list!!  Sigh. 

I thought for a while that it was all the big feelings of pregnancy interfering with my brain.  Worry, excitement, anxiety, anticipation – all taking up space where conscious, systematic thought used to be.  Now, I’m just convinced that the baby is slowly eating away at my brain. 

27 weeks, 2 days – New due date October 16, 2009

I had my first meeting with the new midwife today and it went well.  There are two midwives in the practice – one who’s been there a while and one who’s brand new, like, 2nd week in this practice new.  I met with the new midwife.  She seemed nice but is clearly still feeling out the procedures of this practice.  Hey, I’ve been the new kid on the block too so I cut her some slack.

Probably the most interesting thing that came out of the meeting was a change in my due date.  As it turns out, the generally accepted method of calculating due date is to count forward from the first day of a woman’s last menstrual period (LMP).  Sometimes people aren’t sure of that date so they, then, go by the size on the ultrasound.  For some reason, my old OB practice decided to go by the ultrasound even though I am sure of my LMP.  Well, the midwife recommended that we go back to the tried-and-true method, which would change my due date by 6 days.  It would make it January 13th rather than the 7th. 

My first response was “Noooooooooooo!  I don’t want to go backwards!”  I know that the divisions of trimesters are fairly arbitrary and insignificant but I was really looking forward to yesterday – the day I thought was the beginning of the 3rd trimester.  I’m kind of bummed that it turns out I’m not actually there yet.  That’ll be next Tuesday, the 20th.  Yep, just as I was getting all excited about moving into the last leg of the race the finish line moved farther away. 

However, once I heard the rationale I got over my objections.  The midwife explained that one of the things that happens when you’re overdue is that OBs start suggesting that you be induced.  By moving the due date back to where it’s supposed to be, we decrease the likelihood that we’ll face that pressure.  And for that, I’m grateful.  I really believe strongly that my body will know when its time for Nathan to come out and, unless he’s in jeopardy, I’d REALLY rather wait until the stars align and it’s time.  I guess, if you look at it one way, I’m actually lucky because I get 2 first days of the third trimester! 

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On a more logistical note… thanks to the new due date, I’m rearranging the dates on the blog again.  It’s not your imagination; we went from 28 weeks yesterday to 27 weeks, 2 days today.  Hopefully this’ll be the last time we have to play with these darn dates!!

28 weeks – And the winner is… October 15, 2009

NATHAN JAMES TRYON

Ever since we found out that the peanut is a boy, we’ve been batting around ideas for names.  We’d pick one, try it on for a while, and move on.  We finally, finally have made a decision and the winner is… Nathan James Tryon.  Nathan because, well, we just like it.  James because that’s his dad’s middle name and we like the idea of father and son sharing that.  Well, that and we think that James goes well with Nathan. 

27 weeks, 6 days – Laughter, tears, and anticipation October 14, 2009

The emotions of pregnancy are strange, strange things.  There are lots of jokes out there about the pregnant woman demanding pickles and ice cream in the middle of the night, flipping into a rage over minor infractions, setting a new record for maintaining the status of “testy,” etc.  I didn’t know what to expect for myself but it has been interesting to see what unfolds.  I’ve developed two pregnancy symptoms recently that have been funny and perhaps a little confounding to my husband – laughter and tears.  I didn’t expect to be an emotionally labile pregnant woman because I’m pretty even-keeled in my every day life.  I thought that maybe I’d feel things a bit more strongly but that it might not be evident on the outside.  Boy was I wrong!!  In the last few weeks I have laughed myself to the point of tears at least once a week – and sometimes more often!  Lately it’s been something that Pete said – sometimes it wasn’t even that amusing! – but all of a sudden I’m engulfed by waves of laughter.  I stop what I’m doing and just feel it wash over me… and try to remind myself to take a breath.  It’s the kind of laughter where you can’t talk, you can’t walk, you can’t do anything else other than give in to it.  Oh, what a pleasure it is! 

The tears have been yin to the laughter’s yang.  There’s also been more than once in the past few weeks that I’ve been unexpectedly swept into tears.  Sometimes its a TV show or something that causes me to tear up.  Sometimes it’s a nebulous, free-floating fear or anxiety.  Last night I ended up laying in bed holding back sobs because my husband went to bed without saying good-night to me.  Um, yeah… not exactly sob-worthy but there I was anyway.  It may sound strange but I’m starting to enjoy the tears almost as much as the laughter.  Sometimes being “even keeled” is boring; it’s nice to visit the ends of the spectrum from time to time too.

In addition to the laughter and tears, I’m finding that the way I think and feel about the pregnancy is changing too.  For a good part of the first two trimesters, I’ve found that I’ve been remarkably (and surprisingly) unsentimental about pregnancy and the baby.  I’ve feel like I’ve been all business, focusing on the details rather than the process.  My focus was more on what my body felt like than where we were headed.  Which part hurt, how the skin stretched as my belly grows, the maternity clothes that are or are not comfortable, the doctor’s appointments, the new things, the unexpected things … this is what I thought and talked about. 

Now, on the cusp of the 3rd trimester (my 7th month starts tomorrow) I’m finding things shifting a bit.  From the outer reaches of my brain the anticipation is creeping in a bit.  I’m starting to wonder what he’ll look like when he comes out.  Will he have the black, black hair that I had when I was born and that Pete has now?  What will his feet look like?  Will he have a round little belly or is he going to be a more slender baby?  What will his eyes look like?  Will he be as active once he’s on the outside as he is now on the inside?  Will he be as stubborn as both his mother and father are?  I’m starting to be able to envision the good parts of him being here, not just the life changes, the sleep deprivation, and the worry.  I’m starting to envision doing things with him – bundling him into his car seat on the way home from the hospital, swaddling him and putting him in the sleeper right next to our bed for that first night, taking him for a walk on the first warm spring day in March.  My imaginings don’t get much beyond his 3rd or 4th month for now but I expect that’ll change as the third trimester goes along. 

I know that there are women out there who say throughout their whole pregnancy that they love being pregnant.  Me?  I don’t love it… yet.  In the dark moments, I’ve even wondered what we’ve gotten ourselves into – why we wanted to be parents in the first place.  Mostly, I’ve just been processing the fact that, after all these years of wanting to be pregnant, I’ve finally gotten here.  I have to say that I’m relieved to see the anticipation creeping in because I think this is part of what’s going to drive me through the birthing process… the anticipation of that little face.

Year 1 October 11, 2009

This blog originally started as a wedding blog.  It was a place for us to share what was happening with the wedding planning, the decisions we were making, information about where to stay, etc.  When your family is as spread out as mine – parents a 10-hour drive away, brother on the other side of the country - a blog seemed like a nice way to keep them involved in and updated in the wedding planning process.  (It’s also efficient for us – no need to say the same thing to different people over & over again!)  If you scroll back through the archives you’ll find all of those early posts.

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since that amazing day.  After having lived together for a couple of years and having done most of the emotional work that’s done in early marriage (who cleans, who cooks, how do we manage anger, how do we compromise, how can we be first in each other’s lives but not the only thing in each other’s lives, etc.), we joked that we were just finalizing the paperwork on October 11, 2008.  Well, that and having a party!    While that has been true in many ways, it’s also surprised me that things have changed some after the wedding too.  Several months after her wedding a friend told me that she had fallen even more in love with her husband.  I thought that was really cool but unlikely to happen to me.  I mean, really, how could I love him more???  Ah, but, happily, I was wrong.  I now know exactly what she was talking about and it’s amazing.

As we arrive today at our first anniversary, I’m thinking back to the rehearsal where Jill was our stand-in officiant, the dinner at the Bethlehem Brew Works, sleeping at Aunt Tat’s house the night before the wedding, having girl time with Jenny in the morning, going for a walk in the beautiful fall day, seeing Pete walk by the hair salon on his way to breakfast at the diner (and him not seeing me because he was watching the other side of the street as I’d asked him too ).  I could go on and on; there are so many amazing things to remember.  At risk of sounding cliche, the biggest thing I remember from that day is love – the love I felt for and from Pete and the love I felt from the people who celebrated with us on that day.  It was truly, truly magic!

I’m writing this post on Saturday morning, the day before our anniversary.  However, when it’s posted it’ll be Sunday.  We’ll be waking up at the Deer Head Inn in the Delaware Water Gap, courtesy of a gift certificate from my brother who gave it to us as a wedding gift.  We will have enjoyed a good meal and some good jazz the night before.  We will have toasted our first year and speculated on what the second year will bring.  We may wake up acutely aware that this is our last getaway before our Nation of Two becomes a Nation of Three.  But mostly, knowing myself, I’ll wake up grateful for another day with such an amazing and loving husband, partner, and friend.  Happy anniversary, babe!