33 weeks, 2 days – Snoring ain’t dainty November 27, 2009

And if tonight my soul may find her peace in sleep, and sink in good oblivion, and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created. – D. H. Lawrence

Ah, so that’s what sleep is supposed to be like – awakening a newly refreshed person with a renewed vision of the world.  For the love of god, will SOMEONE please tell my body that?!?!  Sleep is one of my biggest battles these days and it’s starting to interfere with my life.  Thanks to the meatloaf I’m up and trotting to the bathroom about every 2 hours these days.  I did have 1 night this week where I only got up once and it. was. bliss.  Thanks to the head cold I’ve been nursing for most of a month and which has escalated the past 2 weeks, I’m now snoring – and loudly.  Not a delicate little snore, a full on, chainsaw-like snore.  Dainty it ain’t!  About a week and a half ago I had the pleasure of waking myself from sleep on several occasions with my own snoring for the first time ever.  Needless to say, this is one of Pete’s least favorite pregnancy-related developments.  We’ve tried everything – Sudafed, allergy medications, nose strips, humidifier, Neti pot, ear plugs for Pete – but I’m still waking him a bunch of times during the night.  Two nights ago, we finally gave up the fight and the poor guy went to sleep on the couch.  Unfortunately, as it turns out, our living room is kind of noisy thanks to the cats, noise from the hall, the fridge making noise, the sounds of people moving around.  I have to admit, thought, I’m a little (okay more than a little) jealous that he even has the possibility of a good night’s sleep!

There’s probably something adaptive about a pregnant woman in the third trimester not being able to sleep.  Until I drove Pete to the couch, I found a silver lining in all this; I tended to think about it as being in training for nighttime feedings.  Now I’m just cranky that I can’t curl up with my husband anymore.  I’m still hoping that my immune system – compromised by pregnancy as it is – will eventually get around to fighting off this bug and let me breathe again!  If anyone has any recommendations for dealing with the snoring in the meantime, I’m all ears!

33 weeks, 1 day – Jeannie and Nancy would approve November 26, 2009

In fall of 1995 (or was it spring of ‘96) I was a sophomore at Northeastern University and was headed to my first co-op experience.  Since the school didn’t have any co-ops that were relevant to my major (American Sign Language Interpreting), I chose one related to my other love – babies!  That was how I ended up on the doorstep of the Hill Holliday daycare center preparing for my first day in the infant room.  The teachers were then, as they had been for years, two very loving teachers – Jeannie and Nancy.  Unlike so many daycare centers, they managed to create a loving, family-like environment in a daycare center setting.  I learned so, so much from both of them and am still glad to trade holiday cards with them and see them every few years.  The trouble is that working with them created really high expectations for what to expect from daycare providers.  Well, it’s only a “trouble” inasmuch as that was what I had in my head as we dove into the process of finding a daycare for our little-guy-to-be. 

The search started on the internet because, in absence of recommendations from other families in the area, that seemed like a good idea.  Heck, it worked out really well for our wedding, maybe we can duplicate the success with daycares!  I started calling around to both daycare centers (like where I worked for several years) and in-home daycares (like where I went when I was a kid) and found pretty quickly that I preferred the in-home daycares.  In the centers the caregiver to child ratios in PA are higher than in MA, the prices are higher, and – probably most importantly – the definition of a long-term employee seemed to be someone who had been there for 2 years.  Now, I know that staff turnover is a chronic issue in daycares but, for me, it matters that the infant caregivers in particular have been there a while. 

Last Saturday Pete and I went to visit a woman who provides care in her home for up to 5 children at a time.  We met her husband and daughters and had a chance to tour her house.  It was a little strange for me.  When I think about daycare I’m used to being on the provider end of the equation, not the consumer!  I’m starting to understand a little more the leap of faith that the families at Hill Holiday took leaving their kids in our hands every day.  She was very open about what she does with the kids and her home was very open and child-friendly.  We spent about half an hour talking with her and by the end, I decided that Jeannie and Nancy would definitely approve.  Needless to say, we called her early this week to save a spot for our little guy.

The other caregiver that we’ve been working on picking is a pediatrician.  This was a little more foreign to me, never having gone to one (I don’t think) and never having needed one before.  When we started thinking about pediatricians, I realized that I had no idea how to select one.  I started by printing out a list of pediatricians that accept our health insurance and that are close to our home.  Pete recommended that we ask whether the pediatrician is open to an alternate vaccination schedule – one that spreads the shots out rather than doing them in big clumps.  I found that was a pretty good gauge on the flexibility and openness of the practice.  Some said were totally cool with it and some were, let’s just say, more resistant.  I called around to a bunch of practices until I found Dolores.  Dolores is a very kind woman who answers the phone at Dr. Abir’s office.  She had a grandma vibe even over the phone.  Dr. Abir is in solo practice not too far from us.  He has good hours, including Saturdays, and if you have a totally off hours emergency he’ll have you come to the office in his home.  Yep, he’s kind of an old-time doctor.  Cool huh?  We haven’t met him yet but so, who knows, we may not end up sticking with him but, for now, I’m like the idea of working with him rather than a larger practice with 6 – 10 pediatricians on staff.

31 weeks, 6 days – This is really going to happen, isn’t it? November 17, 2009

So, I know that the belly, the backaches, the unending yoga practice to keep the pain at bay should make this evident but it’s really starting to sink in… this is really going to happen, isn’t it?  On and off throughout this pregnancy I’ve had periods of time where it seemed surreal, where the “end product,” so to speak, seemed so far away and so unlikely that I couldn’t even imagine it.  Little by little it’s becoming real to me.  Little things remind me of the passage of time, like realizing that Thanksgiving is next week!  We’re getting closer to picking a daycare provider and pediatrician; we should have the final decision on both in the next two weeks.  Us!  A pediatrician?!  A daycare provider?!?!  Craziness!

I’m starting to be able to imagine him, just a little bit.  In our last ultrasound it looked like he has a tiny little nose that kind of looks like mine.  We’ve been joking about how he’ll have a hard time breathing if he inherited the little nose.  And in creeps a little reality… We interviewed someone to cover my job while I’m out on maternity leave.  It’s different imagining someone taking over and seeing a real, live person who might actually do it.  There’s that reality again…

And then, this last weekend, an old friend opened the door a little wider to that reality.  She gave us the cutest little fleece suit.  It’s stripey, and warm, and has the cutest little ears on the hood.  It’s size 3 months but, if our guess is right and we’re, in fact, baking a meatloaf, then this should fit him within, oh, a week or two of coming home.  This is the first piece of clothing we’ve received with this particular kiddo in mind.  Sure, we have clothes for a baby but that was all donated or purchased with a foster child in mind.  This is the first little outfit that was bought for Nathan in particular.  Pretty much every day since she gave it to us, I pull it out, rub the soft fabric, and imagine.  Imagine the little feet that’ll fill the fuzzy little feet.  Imagine the little chin that’s going to have the hood curled around it.  Imagine the tiny little hands sticking out the sleeves.  I have to admit that on more than one occasion I may have gotten a little weepy thinking about it all.  Dang!  This is really going to happen, isn’t it?! 

Cute, huh? Thank you, Tina!!

31 weeks, 1 day – Nathan and Pearl November 12, 2009

Dear Nathan,

Most days lately when the weather isn’t rainy you and I go for a walk at lunch time.  One of the unique advantages of working where I do is that there are many acres surrounding my office where we can walk.  It’s been nice to stroll around the property watching the leaves change and fall.  The Japanese Maple in the newly restored water garden went blaze red last week.  It was stunning.  Each day I’m sure to swing by the Cultural Center and wave at Carole through the window.  She’s worked here for over 30 years and is a very kind woman.  I think you’ll enjoy meeting her.

One day last week toward the end of our walk you were getting heavy and I was getting winded.  I happened to be near the end of the driveway across from Pearl Buck’s grave.  It’s tucked into a little opening  in the woods next to a stream that only runs after it rains.  There’s a bench next to her grave and it was the perfect place to rest a bit before heading back to my desk.  It’s actually a funny little spot.  It’s an opening in the forest surrounded by trees and bushes native to PA.  At the head of Pearl’s grave, tucked under a pine tree, is a stand of bamboo.  A touch of Asia in Pennsylvania – seems fitting given Pearl and her legacy.

It was a warm fall day – not sunny but not cloudy either.  As we sat it was quiet; no cars in the driveway or the road.  The wind rustled the pine needles and what few leaves remained.  As we sat there no less than two woodpeckers – two different types even! – hopped up and down the pine tree near the head of the grave looking for tasty little bugs.  A couple of song birds I can’t identify were flitting around from tree to tree, chirping every now and then. 

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and just listened to the sound of the world around me.  To be honest, it was good for my soul and I think you even found it calming.  You had been wiggling a lot that day but, while we were sitting there, you were quiet and calm.  I found myself wondering if you’ll be the kind of person who can appreciate a day like this.  Will you enjoy being outside and listening to the forest?  Will you find comfort in the quiet?  Will a deep breath of fresh air calm your soul too?  I hope so but, ultimately, you are going to be your own person.  You’re probably going to be something even grander than what I imagine now.  I can’t wait to meet you and to know you and to find out what kind of person you’ll be.

Love,

Mom

 

30 weeks, 4 days – A gift for our son November 8, 2009

A couple of weeks ago I completed the process of creating a baby registry.  It was a strange, strange experience.  There was more research involved than I expected… but maybe I should have expected it.  There are lists all over the internet about the things that you absolutely must have for your baby – half of which is stuff you really don’t need.  I know it’s all about personal preference and what kind of life you want to have with your child.  We’re going for simple, especially since we have a small apartment.  Well, that and we think it’s important that our kid have a strong sense of the world beyond **stuff** but that’s a different blog post. 

Anyway, back to registering… there was one specific thing that I’ve known for a while that I wanted – a Lands End backpack style diaper bag.  A couple of times over the past couple of years the subject of diaper bags came up on the various adoption listservs I’m on.  Almost to a one, the discussions ended up with a majority of parents recommending this diaper bag.  The downside of registering at Babies R Us and Amazon is that they don’t link to Lands End.  So, I made the only decision I could – my first gift for our son was a diaper bag.  Really, it’s not quite as bad as Homer’s bowling ball gift but it is admittedly self-serving.  As you can see below it doesn’t look much like a diaper bag; it could pass for a backpack.  Maybe he can use it when he goes off to kindergarten and I’ll use it in the meantime?? 

29 weeks, 5 days – Baking a meatloaf November 2, 2009

On vacation in May we were talking with some friends about their son and they said, in passing, something about pushing out a meatloaf or baking a meatloaf.  An apt description of their 10+ pound monster-sized (and utterly adorable) baby.  Well, between Pete and I the term “meatloaf” has come to mean any large baby.  My brother and I were both encroching on 10 pounds when born, while Pete was a more normal 7-ish pounds.  When Pete and I talk about the size that Nathan will be upon entry into the world, we talk about him being a “little Pete” or a “meatloaf” (translation: average size baby or 9-10 pounder).

So why did all this come up today?  Well, I had my third – and probably final – ultrasound.  They hadn’t been able to visualize all three vessels in the umbilical cord in past ultrasounds so they kept sending me back.  Today, though, the cord was there and probably the easiest thing to see!  Of course, every time they do an ultrasound they do measurements too.  Today the little man was measuring pretty big.  The tech estimated that he is 3 pounds, 12 ounces – give or take 9 ounces.  (It can be hard to get an exact weight measurement the later you get in pregnancy.)  So, there’s a very real possibility that this kid is headed to meatloaf-ville.  Not sure how I feel about that…

In the meantime, though, here’s a look at the little guy:

For those of you a little uncertain, that’s his face in profile with a hand tucked up near his chin.  Stare at it a little while and you’ll be able to see it. 

29 weeks, 4 days – Upsetting the apple cart November 1, 2009

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what’s coming down the pike for us.  In May, when we found out we were pregnant, this time felt so far, far away… fall, the third trimester, the 30-something weeks of pregnancy… all of it.  Yet somehow, with what feels like just a blink, here we are.  The last couple of months I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the pregnancy process and the birth process.  While that continues, my sights are moving a little further toward the horizon, to the change that’s going to happen in my family.

I’m surprised to find myself thinking that I’m not afraid of the birth process.  Sure, it’s going to hurt but I’ll have plenty of tools to get through it and a good support system.  My fear right now is the part that comes after.  I keep thinking about it as upsetting the apple cart and then having to find a new equilibrium as a family.  I really, really enjoy my relationship with my husband as it is now.  Even after 5.5 years together and a year of marriage, I find him interesting to talk to.  I love spending time with him and would have thought that this would have faded a little over the years.  A baby means, though, that my attention is going to be turned elsewhere… a LOT.  Those of you who are experienced parents know in a way that I don’t the joy of falling in love with your child.  My head knows it’ll be there but my heart just doesn’t quite understand how complete and deep that feeling will be.  It does know, however, how fully and deeply I love my husband. 

It may sound strange, but I think at this point I’m having some anticipatory grief about the change in our relationship.  The time and energy we have to devote to each other will change by necessity (and due to sleep deprivation!).  I also have heard from many people that their marriage changed and deepened as they became parents together.  I know that this can, and probably will, happen.  But from here – the not-quite-parents-yet side of first time parenthood – I’ve been thinking a lot about the feeling that I don’t want to lose the time that I cherish so much with my husband.  Like so many of the other fears I’ve had in this process, though, I know that this too shall pass…

29 weeks – Doula October 28, 2009

I’m happy to say that we’ve selected our doula.  We’re going with the woman, Ellen, who was recommended to us by our friends.  Apparently, she’s the uber-doula of the greater Philly area, having trained or supported several of the other doulas that we talked with.  She also spent a decade or so as a labor & delivery nurse before switching to being a doula.  The most important thing, though, is the grandma vibe she gives off.  You know the one… warm, cozy, comfy, supportive, and a teeny bit of pushiness around the edges.  Just right for comforting me during labor and pushing me to remember that I really CAN do this.  She also clicked with Pete, which is huge, because she’s going to have to support him too.  Yep, that’s right – he’s going to have to be there for the whooooooole thing.  No getting off the hook for him! <evil laugh>

Anyway, it was an interesting process of interviewing women.  I talked with about 8 women on the phone and we interviewed 4.  They were all pretty different from each other.  I can see, though, why they recommend having the interview.  The person with which I had the most in common (Quakerism, Maine connection, Boston connection, etc.) turned out not to be a good fit for me.  Not because she’s not a nice person but because it just wasn’t the right match of personalities.  I have a feeling that we may need someone with a strong personality at some point during the labor process and I think we found it in Ellen.

Now, on to selecting a pediatrician and a day care provider… dang!  And I thought all the work came after the kid was here!!

28 weeks, 4 days – Nothing much October 25, 2009

Not a whole lot that’s reflective or insightful to post today so I thought I’d just update you on the logistics.  Friday I went to the midwife and had the gestational diabetes blood test.  Waiting for the results now.  She did a quick exam and found that all’s well.  My belly’s measuring where it should be and his heart rate was between 130 and 140 – right where it should be.  He’s positioned head down with his back running up my right side, more or less.  We’re moving into more frequent visits so I’ll be seeing the midwives about every 2 weeks now.  I got a prescription for one more ultrasound so they can try to visualize the elusive three vessels of the umbilical cord.  They haven’t been able to do that the last two times.  Honestly, I’m not that worried about it because he seems to be growing normally.  However, I do like getting the updated ultrasound photos so I’m happy to go.

We have our last doula interview today.  After that we’ll make our final decision.  It’ll feel good to have that settled so that we can move on to finding a daycare, selecting a pediatrician, and setting up a time to tour the hospital.  In the midst of all the decisions/details, I’m still learning about natural childbirth and trying to get in the right frame of mind for it.

28 weeks – Pregnancy stole my brain October 21, 2009

I’d heard the term “mommy brain” before but I assumed that it was solely dedicated to that sleep-deprived time after the child is home when parents are fumbling their way towards figuring out how to parent, eat, and bathe on a regular – daily even! – basis.  It never occurred to me that this actual begins BEFORE the baby is born.  I’ve been feeling lately like this baby is stealing my brain.  Where before I was psychologically nimble, moving from one task to the other easily, multitasking efficiently now I’m feeling just, well, sluggish.  It takes a lot more focus for me to be effective at work and I’m significantly more dependent on post-it notes than I was before.  And coordinate things at home?  Ha!  I’m lucky if I remember everything I meant to do in a day… and do half of it. 

Take today for example.  I went grocery shopping after work.  This has become my Monday routine but, since I was sick that day, I went on Wednesday instead.  I realized on my second lap around the store that there is a new part of my routine – the second lap around the store!  Even though I go well prepared with list in hand, I always, always have to go back for a second time round to pick up the things I forgot… off the written list!!  Sigh. 

I thought for a while that it was all the big feelings of pregnancy interfering with my brain.  Worry, excitement, anxiety, anticipation – all taking up space where conscious, systematic thought used to be.  Now, I’m just convinced that the baby is slowly eating away at my brain.