0 – 3: The Parenting Trenches

15 Jan 2012 5 Comments

by Heather in Random Tags: baby, parenting, spousal relationship, toddlers

About a month ago I followed a series of articles and blogs that were linking to each other and all talking about the same thing – does your spouse/partner or your child(ren) come first in your priorities?  There was some pretty interesting discussion and a lot of it jived with what Pete and I have talked about as well as what a wonderful therapist friend once told us… your spouse/partner always come first, with the exception of the time when you are in the parenting trenches.

What are the parenting trenches, you ask?  They are years between birth and your child’s 4th birthday, or thereabouts.  They are the years when you are your child’s whole world and they are totally dependent on you.  This applies to kids whose parents are at home, kids whose parents work, and any combination of the two.  They are the years when:

• The ability to have a complete adult conversation during daytime hours is next to impossible.  One or the other of you – or both! – is responding to requests for help or milk or attention or whatever all while trying to maintain a focused and intelligent conversation with the other one.
• Date nights are a precious commodity but often end far earlier than your decade-younger, pre-child self would deem at all suitable.  Yep, you become one of THOSE people who leaves a party by 10 or 11 because, heavens knows, your child doesn’t care how late you stayed up the night before, they’re getting up at the same crack-of-dawn time they always do!
• Spousal intimacy sometimes happens fast and furious between nighttime wakings and feedings or the beginning and the end of nap time and always with the monitor in the room… and some part of each of you chanting in your head, “Please don’t wake up.  Please don’t wake up.  Please don’t wake up.”
• Stickers on your good furniture, spills on your good couches, pointy objects jammed into DVD players and openings on your computer, water play in the toilet, and so many other fun things happen in your house… and sometimes repeatedly.
• You and your spouse/partner get to practice your spelling more often because the mention of things like p-i-z-z-a or i-c-e-c-r-e-a-m or g-r-a-p-e-s or q-u-e-s-a-d-i-l-l-a-s (wait, is that last one only us?) without being able to produce said item may very well lead to a nuclear level meltdown.
• You are so busy planning the course of events of your day to work around meal times and nap times and to avoid peak tantrum times that you forget to do things like look your spouse/partner in the eye and say, “I love you.”

You get the idea.  Kids in the 0 to 3 year range are demanding.  It’s not malicious, it’s not manipulative, it’s totally developmentally appropriate.  And it can be totally maddening.  Far more than we want, it means putting our own needs aside because we have faith that if we parent one way or another it’ll give our kids the skills to be more confident and independent as they get older and then we get to reclaim that part of our lives!

Pete and I talk about the parenting trenches fairly frequently.  Sometimes it is with a sense of grief and loss.  We were just starting to see glimmers of the end of the trenches with the Stinkerdoodle when we signed ourselves up for another three years of it starting in May.  Sometimes it is with a sense of strength.  “Hey, look at what the two of us can do together – get through the trenches and still like each other on the other side!”  Sometimes I think it’s just a way to remind ourselves that it won’t always be this hard.  No, I’m not saying that parenting is ever easy but I do think that the type of “hard” it is changes over time if you have healthy, normally developing, neurotypical kids.  I’m guessing that it becomes a little less of a physical marathon (sleep deprivation, carrying a flailing, 35-pound toddler, packing and carrying a diaper bag the size of Montana every time you go out, etc.) and more of an emotional marathon as your kids get older.  As a side note, if you’re parenting a child with special needs, your trenches may last a little – or a lot – longer and, as far as I’m concerned, you get all the props – and margaritas! – in the world for it!

When we talk about the trenches, we’re also saying to each other that there WILL be a time again when we are primary in each other’s lives.  Strong parents with a healthy marriage are far more able to raise strong and healthy kids.  To me, that’s a no brainer.  There is a time coming when we’ll be able to leave our kids with a babysitter and stay out late doing things that make us happy together.  There is a time coming when we’ll be able to have a dinner conversation with the children there because they’ll either understand the need to not interrupt or they’ll be old enough to participate in and contribute to the conversation.  There is a time coming when we might even be able to go on a quick vacation with just the two of us!  That time may not be right now but, as we say often, our 40s will be fabulous!

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